and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
