Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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