I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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