he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Randomize
