He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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