if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
