i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
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This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
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He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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