You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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