this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
