happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
