Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
