o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
