I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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