he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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