The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
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