I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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