i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
