Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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