she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
