He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
