thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
