Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
