it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
