Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
