your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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