Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
