she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
