It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
