ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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