everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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