The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
