Your dad touched me again.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
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We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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