I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
