We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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