I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Vodka?
Forever.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
