sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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