i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
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They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
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I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"