I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
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Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
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It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave