There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
