I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
