Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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