You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
