I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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