You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
