the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
