I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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