So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
