I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I am mentally ready for anal.
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