I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
