That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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