Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
