When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
this just has baby written all over it
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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