why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
My cat gives me a boner
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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