Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
