and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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