Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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