im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
